I'm at a point in my life where I'm fairly happy with things. I am with a wonderful man, close with my family, missing my old friends a little but keeping in touch and making new ones, happy and comfortable in my home, and working on things with God and enjoying life. The one missing component is a satisfying work life.
I like the people at my job. I don't hate my work but I have too little of it. And while I don't hate it, it is slightly depressing to think of doing it forever.
I've made some efforts in the past year to go back to school. I'm not there yet, and I'm beginning to wonder if that is the right place for me. Grad school is seven years of my life with little to no income and a busy schedule. I don't know if it fits for me anymore. As much as the thought of teaching makes me happy, I dont' know if I want to go through 7 years of school. Not that I wouldn't enjoy it (I think I would) but that maybe it isn't practical right now. It is a financial drain; it consumes one's life. What if I want babies? What if Jay and I don't have enough money? What then? These questions plague me. Then there is the eternal location problem. Jay wants to stay in Champaign or Bloomington. While I've grown to love Champagin and like Bloomington, the strict location restriction really narrows my choices.
That's not to say I couldn't make it happen. I think that I could if I busted my rear and forced it to work. But where could I teach, if I go to school here and am limited to teaching at ISU, Wesleyan, or Bradley? What if I don't get a job at any of them? It is so intimidating to think this way.
I've been thinking a lot about writing. What a life a writer would have - freedom, time to daydream, flexibility. But how likely is that? How rare is it that anyone gets anything published? Or, even if it is published, how rare is it that the author makes money?
I've thought about politics. Clerking. Teaching high school. There are so many things I've thought about doing in the past year as this has all been floating around in my head. I need to pray for some insight and wisdom. I want to do something that I find worthwhile. I used think that I'd be special; make some great difference in the world. Now, I just want to (I hope this is my motivation) find some peace with myself and enjoy what I do every day. I hope I can achieve that.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Time to Think
Sometimes I feel like I really need some time to decompress and think about things. I'd love to have time to work on my relationship with God, to reevaluate my career, to write, etc. I have been extremely busy lately (in a good way!) - with wedding planning, work, vacation planning, politics, and now, fostering a puppy named Lily (a pit bull puppy). All of it is so fun, but I'm exhausted and feel like I don't have time to decompress.
Next week I'm going to Ireland on vacation. The problem is that on vacations, sometimes I'm busier than when I'm at home. But maybe I can take a day or two - maybe hiking or just hanging out with Jay and talking - to slow myself down internally a little. It would be so nice!
Next week I'm going to Ireland on vacation. The problem is that on vacations, sometimes I'm busier than when I'm at home. But maybe I can take a day or two - maybe hiking or just hanging out with Jay and talking - to slow myself down internally a little. It would be so nice!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Clean Slate
I started blogging almost two years ago, hoping that I could make some sense out of my life, grow, learn, muse, and generally find interesting things to think about - like a journal, but more intellectual and visitor friendly. Instead of channeling my energies into something productive and fun, however, I instead used this blog the way an adolescent girl uses her diary: to spill my guts, to rant, to whine, to think about petty and childish things, and to write about things that nobody in their right mind would ever want to read. I used it to bring all of the petty and selfish parts of me to the surface.
I've been thinking about how to deal with this blog; this vat of putrid and angsty ramblings that has been floating about in cyberspace for someone to stumble across. Should I abandon it entirely? Try to steer it in a better direction? I settled for something in the middle, and deleted everything I've previously written. I thought it would be much harder to delete it all; after all, even if I hated my prior asinine outpourings, they were my asinine outpourings. They were part of me. However, apparently I was more ready than I thought to shed that skin and start fresh. Going through and deleting all of my posts ended up feeling positively wonderful. It was the right decision. I don't need to look back on and dwell on that time of my life. It was a dark time, and I am not proud of how I acted - actually, I am not proud of who I was - back then.
I feel as if the last year has been a journey; an awakening. I've come from a place more dark and dismal than anything I've ever experienced before. I've emerged from a muddy and dank hole that I dug for myself. It was gradual, this awakening. I did not just suddenly see the light and shake off the snares of depression and hopelessness all at once. It was bit by bit. I went from feeling less than human - I felt wretched and undeserving of love or kindness or any good thing - to feeling the slightest glimmer of hope; a light at the end of the tunnel. I still battled fears and bouts of depression for some time. They became less and less frequent, and then, finally, left me altogether. It was like watching a sun rise in slow motion: there was no sudden dawn; instead, there was a gradual lightening of the horizon, so that first, the pitch black became a deep, glowing midnight blue and the outlines of shapes became barely visible, and then, colors appeared in muted shades of gray, lightening until they were vibrant and distinct in the glowing sun. It was like that. I knew I was pulling out of it bit by bit, and then one day, I realized I was happy. Not just surviving, but enjoying my life; savoring the many lovely moments each new day offered. I had come back into myself; I could recognize myself; and I felt full of contentment and hope and joy.
I realize now that God has had a huge role to play in all of this. More precisely, He had been in complete control of all of it, even when I thought He had left me entirely. I fought and fought for something, in my ignorance and short-sightedness, and God simply did not let it be. He let me endure the suffering and hurt that I brought on myself by not listening to Him in the first place. It was hard, but it was deserved. I caused every bit of what I went through. And still, despite all of my stubbornness and sin, God led me to this place. I am happier now than I deserve to be. I have been blessed beyond measure. My life may not be everything I thought I wanted, but it is everything that I needed all along. I am in a place where I am comfortable and content; I am going to be married to a man that builds me up and shelters me from life's cruelties; I am among people I love and I am surrounded by God's creation. I simply could not ask for more happiness.
The end of the last year's journey is a new beginning for me in my life, and in my writing. I hope that what I now write reflects a humbled heart, a softened soul, and a thankful spirit. I hope that I can track my growth from this point; that I can use it to seek, instead of wait for clarity.
I've been thinking about how to deal with this blog; this vat of putrid and angsty ramblings that has been floating about in cyberspace for someone to stumble across. Should I abandon it entirely? Try to steer it in a better direction? I settled for something in the middle, and deleted everything I've previously written. I thought it would be much harder to delete it all; after all, even if I hated my prior asinine outpourings, they were my asinine outpourings. They were part of me. However, apparently I was more ready than I thought to shed that skin and start fresh. Going through and deleting all of my posts ended up feeling positively wonderful. It was the right decision. I don't need to look back on and dwell on that time of my life. It was a dark time, and I am not proud of how I acted - actually, I am not proud of who I was - back then.
I feel as if the last year has been a journey; an awakening. I've come from a place more dark and dismal than anything I've ever experienced before. I've emerged from a muddy and dank hole that I dug for myself. It was gradual, this awakening. I did not just suddenly see the light and shake off the snares of depression and hopelessness all at once. It was bit by bit. I went from feeling less than human - I felt wretched and undeserving of love or kindness or any good thing - to feeling the slightest glimmer of hope; a light at the end of the tunnel. I still battled fears and bouts of depression for some time. They became less and less frequent, and then, finally, left me altogether. It was like watching a sun rise in slow motion: there was no sudden dawn; instead, there was a gradual lightening of the horizon, so that first, the pitch black became a deep, glowing midnight blue and the outlines of shapes became barely visible, and then, colors appeared in muted shades of gray, lightening until they were vibrant and distinct in the glowing sun. It was like that. I knew I was pulling out of it bit by bit, and then one day, I realized I was happy. Not just surviving, but enjoying my life; savoring the many lovely moments each new day offered. I had come back into myself; I could recognize myself; and I felt full of contentment and hope and joy.
I realize now that God has had a huge role to play in all of this. More precisely, He had been in complete control of all of it, even when I thought He had left me entirely. I fought and fought for something, in my ignorance and short-sightedness, and God simply did not let it be. He let me endure the suffering and hurt that I brought on myself by not listening to Him in the first place. It was hard, but it was deserved. I caused every bit of what I went through. And still, despite all of my stubbornness and sin, God led me to this place. I am happier now than I deserve to be. I have been blessed beyond measure. My life may not be everything I thought I wanted, but it is everything that I needed all along. I am in a place where I am comfortable and content; I am going to be married to a man that builds me up and shelters me from life's cruelties; I am among people I love and I am surrounded by God's creation. I simply could not ask for more happiness.
The end of the last year's journey is a new beginning for me in my life, and in my writing. I hope that what I now write reflects a humbled heart, a softened soul, and a thankful spirit. I hope that I can track my growth from this point; that I can use it to seek, instead of wait for clarity.
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