To Be or Not to Be - That Would Be an Easier Question Than What to Be

I'm at a point in my life where I'm fairly happy with things. I am with a wonderful man, close with my family, missing my old friends a little but keeping in touch and making new ones, happy and comfortable in my home, and working on things with God and enjoying life. The one missing component is a satisfying work life.

I like the people at my job. I don't hate my work but I have too little of it. And while I don't hate it, it is slightly depressing to think of doing it forever.

I've made some efforts in the past year to go back to school. I'm not there yet, and I'm beginning to wonder if that is the right place for me. Grad school is seven years of my life with little to no income and a busy schedule. I don't know if it fits for me anymore. As much as the thought of teaching makes me happy, I dont' know if I want to go through 7 years of school. Not that I wouldn't enjoy it (I think I would) but that maybe it isn't practical right now. It is a financial drain; it consumes one's life. What if I want babies? What if Jay and I don't have enough money? What then? These questions plague me. Then there is the eternal location problem. Jay wants to stay in Champaign or Bloomington. While I've grown to love Champagin and like Bloomington, the strict location restriction really narrows my choices.

That's not to say I couldn't make it happen. I think that I could if I busted my rear and forced it to work. But where could I teach, if I go to school here and am limited to teaching at ISU, Wesleyan, or Bradley? What if I don't get a job at any of them? It is so intimidating to think this way.

I've been thinking a lot about writing. What a life a writer would have - freedom, time to daydream, flexibility. But how likely is that? How rare is it that anyone gets anything published? Or, even if it is published, how rare is it that the author makes money?

I've thought about politics. Clerking. Teaching high school. There are so many things I've thought about doing in the past year as this has all been floating around in my head. I need to pray for some insight and wisdom. I want to do something that I find worthwhile. I used think that I'd be special; make some great difference in the world. Now, I just want to (I hope this is my motivation) find some peace with myself and enjoy what I do every day. I hope I can achieve that.