Back in the Dark Tunnel

Oh, goodness. Why don't I ever want to write when life is good?

Here I am at 1:00 a.m. on a Tuesday, and I have to get up in 6 hours. Not because I have work, but because my guide on how to beat insomnia requires that I get up at the same time every day (see how well it's working!!??).

I have a baby. August. He is the cutest little bug in my opinion, with crazy spiky hair (yes, hair on a 4 month old!) and a sweet little face. He's doing all sorts of cool things: rolling around, laughing, touching things (my face, toys, his crib, pretty much anything), and talking gibberish. Only I can't step back and enjoy him like I should because I appear to have postpardum anxiety.

It started right after I had him. Birth was a wee bit traumatic, only because I was sold 100% on the epidural, and my labor went so quick there wasn't time for one. That was a little crazy and massively painful. So for about three days after having Augie, I did not sleep. I was filled with crazy, non-stop, nervous energy. I finally went to the emergency room on the third night and got some sleeping medication and slept, if fitfully.

Some other complicating factors: 1) two days after the birth of my Augie, my husband decided to declare his candidacy for a seat in which there is currently a Republican incumbent. So our life has turned into full-time campaigning, and the primary (which is the election that really counts in this one) is not for six more months; 2) we moved about two months after Augie was born, to a new town where I didn't really know anyone (for politics).

I think it is not crazy to conclude that 1) a first child + 2) a slightly traumatic birth + 3) a move to a new town + 4) career change (me becoming a stay at home mom) + 5) the embarking on my husband's first big campaign = ANXIETY AND STRESS!

I'm trying to cope with things, but it is tough. I felt like I had a handle on it all last week - - I stopped taking sleeping meds a couple of weeks ago and was sleeping pretty well last week, and I was making some new friends and felt pretty happy. But then at the end of last week the sleeping well thing stopped and the anxiety ramped back up. At this point I feel like I'm about to lose my shit entirely if I don't normalize. So I've accepted that maybe this is a problem I can't will away on my own, and I am contacting some therapists and maybe even thinking I need to be on some temporary anxiety meds until some of the new-ness of my life wears off. I mean, it hardly even feels like my life! I'm in a different place, doing different things (i.e., not working and taking care of a BABY!) in a different body (helloooo sore girl parts and milk boobs. And bigger tummy). HOW IS THIS MY LIFE!???

I mean, I love this baby. I wanted this baby. But why did I think it was a good idea to have a baby right before a gazillion major life changes???

I am optimistic that time and professional help (and maybe meds) will help me to get back to a normal me...whatever that is!